Friday, August 14, 2009
The success of this infertility treatment depends on the response of your body to the medication given to you. So don’t judge the procedure just because I feel awful with how it ended with mine. Who knows? This treatment will work on you.
Regarding the pain I feel during injections, I get used to it after many days of injecting. I survived 18 consecutive days of injections right in my belly. So don’t be afraid. Just make sure you follow your doctor’s instruction regarding the procedure. Do that and you’ll be doing fine.
Before we left the clinic, we discussed about Menopur which is an injectable also. She told us that perhaps one of the reasons why my eggs is not responding was because Puregon has only FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone). Whereas, Menopur have both follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH), which helps stimulate egg production; and luteinizing hormone (LH), which helps the eggs mature and release (ovulate). For the nest treatment, we are considering to use Menopur.
This is one of the facts that I learned to accept. With my infertility issues, I accepted every possible way for me to conceive. I have no choice but to try this treatment. And I will give it another try soon as I have the financial resources to avail of this treatment. I still want to believe that my eggs will respond at a higher dose of Menopur.
Infertile couples need to know the reason why you are infertile. What causes your infertility? Discuss with your doctor other options for treatment. You also need to discuss the details of the treatment as well as the cost. There is plenty of information flooding the net. Search for other things your doctor does not usually discuss with you like your diet and other alternative medicines of herbs. If you have other illness, you have to discuss it with your doctor.
Good luck to your quest for fertility and pregnancy.
My hubby and I went to my OB’s clinic this afternoon. My doc had to check my eggs through the ultrasound machine. The result was devastating. My eggs weren’t responding to the 75 IU of Puregon. My doctor presented us two options. First, we’ll continue the Puregon injection but in a higher dosage that is, 105IU per day. If we’ll continue the injection, I’ll be taking in 105 IU of Puregon for 7 days. Buying that solution will tantamount to about P/ 25,000 – 30,000 . That amount of money is just too much for us. I told myself this “baby making treatment is costing us fortune”. Second, to stop the injection and try again next month but we’ll be starting with 105 IU of Puregon.
I wanted to tell my hubby that I still have few savings left. I wanted to give it a try for few more days. Who knows what happens next? However, that is not wise. I do feel I need to rest my body from all the injections I have had. Just this afternoon I received my last shot of Puregon before I had my ultrasound. Yah, I do feel the need to rest for a while and not to think about this treatment. Is there a medicine that will make me forget about all this fuzz on fertility treatment and what I’m going through? Can I be somebody else? Can I swap body with another woman? But who wants an infertile body? … Nobody.
Is it too much to beg God for a child? I've been begging Him for our child. Is it too much when in fact there are women aborting their child? Not to mention those who just left them on the streets, in the garbage or in a bag.
Why was this disease given to me? What have I done to deserve this? What did I do to cause this? Is there anything more to do that I haven’t done or thought of before? Is there any other procedure or fertility treatment that don’t cost so much?
Why me?
Is it really happening to me? I thought treating PCO is just simple sickness that could just be driven away by few antibiotics?
Why me?
While I was sitting on the passenger’s seat while my hubby is driving us home, I wanted to scream. I wanted to ask “Why”? “Why me?” But to whom should I address my question? Who will answer all my queries? I need to hear the answers.
I have so many questions. No one will answer.
I have worked like a horse for so many years. I have been a good girl. I have given up my career. I have given up big part of me just so I could devout sufficient time for this treatment. And this is what I got.
Is this my reward?
There are many things in my mind. Suddenly, I wanted to do many things if only to forget my situation. I wanted to run as far away as I could. Yes, to run and never stop. I want to escape from this infertility as if I could outrun it. I wanted to climb mountains and never come back. I wanted to escape. But to whom am I escaping? I can never escape from this situation. It will always be with me wherever I go. This has become part of me perhaps I could never get rid of. This is me. This is me now. I have been crying since I heard that bad news from my doctor. I haven’t stopped crying. I am crying as if my tears will wipe away all my miseries.
When will this end?
How will this end?
Will it end?
Will I still be able to conceive?
Only God knows the answer.
But you know God; I do need to hear your answer.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I keep on telling him "sorry". I'm saying sorry because there's no guarantee i could give him children. I'm saying sorry because since we got married, I always get sick and he always spend for my medication. I'm saying sorry because there are things I could not do because of my condition. I'm saying sorry because of all he trouble and hassle he does every time he goes out of his work just because we need to go to the hospital for my check-up. and i'm saying sorry because he had to go back and forth our home and hospital to buy my medicine, pay our bill, buy my food, etc. All throughout the treatment he gave me the puregon shot. i didn't have the nerve to inject it myself. So he had to excuse himself from their office at a certain time of the day just to be home in time for my injection. and i would again tell him: "I'm sorry".
For all the trouble and for loving me ...
thank you so much, my Andy
I chat with my brother a while ago, he reminded me not to focus so much on "baby making" and "infertility" issue because it only make me depressed. Well, he is right. And i'm so anxious with the week's fertility treatment. Come saturday, my doctor will check the growth of my eggs. What will the result be? Will there be significant growth? Will my Estradiol level soar high enough to stimulate my eggs to mature? or Will imy eggs remain small and immature?
If my eggs remains unstimulated, all we spent on this treatment will be wasted. We spent so much on this treatment, failing it will be devastating to me. I have spoken to my husband about it. I don't know how to describe the sadness in his face.
Despite my doubt and fear, I pray for the success of this treatment.
This morning I whisphered a prayer to God about my anxiety. I told Him perhaps what I'm asking is impossible but I know nothing is impossible to Him. I have reached the end of my rope; I surrendered to Him all my worries. After all, i am just human.
My brother told me to do something that would divert my attention to this infertility treatment. He suggested that i should go to school again. I would love to enroll in fashion school but to this day I don't have the financial capacity since this treatment is taking so much of our finances. I'm keeping my fingers cross.
And I owe a lot to my family
to my parents for being supportive to what i went through...
to brother Clark, my sister Eva and cousin Gerelyn for spending so much specially on long distance call just to check me. I miss you all. Hope you are all in good health and company.
Monday, August 10, 2009
The thought of all the financial expenses incurred on this treatment makes it more unbearable and devastating. Since my husband was still in the air base, I waited for him inside the clinic. I didn’t bother reading magazine if only not to notice time. I was sitting and lost in my thought. Is this really happening to me? For the Puregon alone, we already spent as of this day about P/ 50,000. More than P/ 60,000 if I am to include all the tests did to me in the monitoring of my eggs. Yet, despite the amount spent on this treatment, I still see no sign of hope. I’m on my 15th day beginning the 1st day of my menstruation. On the regular cycle of a woman, it is day 12 which is the peak of her ovulation. So day 15th is just to utilize whatever it is for my eggs to ovulate. It is not a promising data.
So there I was sitting in the middle of the clinic lost in my thought. How am I supposed to explain this to my husband? This treatment is draining whatever small savings we have. I sent sms to my brother who is in other country and my sister who is at home telling them of the heart-breaking result. They both consoled me saying we did what we could. That I have to let it go and let God take charge.
I couldn’t contain my emotions, I went outside and cried. It’s good that the clinic is near a busy street so people didn’t notice I was crying. I asked God: “why are you not listening to me?” and as if I realized it was I who wasn’t listening to Him. Perhaps, he had already told me conceiving this time is not possible and yet I persisted on my plan and now that things didn’t go as I expected I come to Him.
I don’t know what else to think. Or what else to tell God.
I guess I’m just tired right now.
Dear God, do you hear me? Do you hear my thoughts and prayers?
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Had I known this will happen now,... this infertility thing... I should have had sex when I was still in my 20s. Lots and lots of sex. Sex there, here... sex everywhere. Sex with various men. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so bad and terrible thinking I deserve this to happen. But I didn’t. I have saved sex for true love. Saving sex for my husband, whoever he is. It was only when I met my husband that I had sex. And that made this infertility issue unbearable. Do I deserve to be infertile? Do I deserve this?
I can’t help but ask God, WHY?
But then again…
Who am I to question His plans for me?
You are omniscient; the all-knowing God. Yet I feel the need to tell you what I’m going through. And still I offer you all my fears, and anxieties, Lord. Even my angry thoughts and frustrations, I made known to You. I wanted to run and ask you the reasons for my infertility. To cry on your shoulder and tell you how sad I feel now. Will I be able to conceive and give birth to our children? Do you know how long we waited for our children to come? Did you know I cried yesterday upon learning my Estradiol level dropped? Have you seen the look on my husband’s face when he saw the result? Did you hear him saying:” I felt I lost from casino.”? Our money comes and goes like water. We already spent a fortune.” Can you hear our heart's desire to have children of our own?
But in the end, You are still God. And we cling to you during this ordeal.
My estradiol level dropped. it's terrible!!!!!
I didn’t blog yesterday because I felt terrible. I felt so awful I didn’t feel blogging my thoughts and feelings. But this morning soon as I woke up I felt the need to blog. I need the world to know what happened to me on my treatment. I owe to women who, just like me, are struggling infertility.
August 6
My doc lowered the Puregon dosage I’m injecting for 5 days. From 75IU of Puregon she lowered it to just 50 IU. This was done to avoid over stimulation and other risks entailed. So we woke up early and went to the hospital for my lab test. I was so excited yesterday to have my Estradiol taken. I was expecting a higher level result. On the contrary, the result was heart-breaking. From 104pg/ml (August 01), yesterday it dived to just 73pg/ml. I felt awful. It was as if my world turned pitched black. All throughout our drive to my OB’s clinic, we were both silent. I didn’t know what to tell my husband. I couldn’t explain why my body didn’t yield higher Estradiol result. I was thinking 5 days of injecting daily 50IU of Puregon not to mention the money incurred in acquiring the medicine, were wasted. I felt like I’m a laboratory rat. Everything done to my body was series of tests to know which medicine and dosage will make my body respond positively.
When we got to the clinic and handed the result to my doc, my heart sank deeper when she confirmed my fear. Why do I need to hear it from the doc? The result was clear. My body wasn’t responding to just 50IU of Puregon for 5 days. She told me she only prescribed 75IU of Puregon to her fat clients. She then told me I’m neither fat nor thin yet I didn’t respond to 50 IU of Puregon. Thus, the need to resort to 75 IU of Puregon.
I would have told her, “You shouldn’t have lowered the dosage. Now see what happened. Our money was wasted, so was 5 days of stabbing my belly.” I wanted to tell her that word for word. But I didn’t. I chickened out. Besides, I also know for a fact that there was no way of knowing how my body will respond given continuous high dosage of Puregon.
The good thing with Estradiol is we can monitor developments whether I’m responding to Puregon or perhaps I’m already over stimulated. Still it doesn’t change the fact how I feel after the drop of my Estradiol level. I’m afraid we’re spending so much money and failing after. I was crying yesterday and telling my hubby about my anxiety over this Puregon and failing issues. What’s in store for us? What will be the outcome of this fertility treatment? What’s gonna happen next? I’ve given up my career for this treatment. I’ve given up my passion for fashion. I left my parents and our home and moved in with my husband. And I’m scared after giving up almost everything nothing might happen. Nothing good might happen.
I just want to bear children Lord. Why is it taking so much time and money? What have I done to deserve this?
