of PCOs, Journey to Fertility and Miracle...

My hubby and I went to my OB’s clinic this afternoon. My doc had to check my eggs through the ultrasound machine. The result was devastating. My eggs weren’t responding to the 75 IU of Puregon. My doctor presented us two options. First, we’ll continue the Puregon injection but in a higher dosage that is, 105IU per day. If we’ll continue the injection, I’ll be taking in 105 IU of Puregon for 7 days. Buying that solution will tantamount to about P/ 25,000 – 30,000 . That amount of money is just too much for us. I told myself this “baby making treatment is costing us fortune”. Second, to stop the injection and try again next month but we’ll be starting with 105 IU of Puregon.

I wanted to tell my hubby that I still have few savings left. I wanted to give it a try for few more days. Who knows what happens next? However, that is not wise. I do feel I need to rest my body from all the injections I have had. Just this afternoon I received my last shot of Puregon before I had my ultrasound. Yah, I do feel the need to rest for a while and not to think about this treatment. Is there a medicine that will make me forget about all this fuzz on fertility treatment and what I’m going through? Can I be somebody else? Can I swap body with another woman? But who wants an infertile body? … Nobody.

Is it too much to beg God for a child? I've been begging Him for our child. Is it too much when in fact there are women aborting their child? Not to mention those who just left them on the streets, in the garbage or in a bag.

Why was this disease given to me? What have I done to deserve this? What did I do to cause this? Is there anything more to do that I haven’t done or thought of before? Is there any other procedure or fertility treatment that don’t cost so much?

Why me?

Is it really happening to me? I thought treating PCO is just simple sickness that could just be driven away by few antibiotics?

Why me?

While I was sitting on the passenger’s seat while my hubby is driving us home, I wanted to scream. I wanted to ask “Why”? “Why me?” But to whom should I address my question? Who will answer all my queries? I need to hear the answers.

I have so many questions. No one will answer.

I have worked like a horse for so many years. I have been a good girl. I have given up my career. I have given up big part of me just so I could devout sufficient time for this treatment. And this is what I got.

Is this my reward?

There are many things in my mind. Suddenly, I wanted to do many things if only to forget my situation. I wanted to run as far away as I could. Yes, to run and never stop. I want to escape from this infertility as if I could outrun it. I wanted to climb mountains and never come back. I wanted to escape. But to whom am I escaping? I can never escape from this situation. It will always be with me wherever I go. This has become part of me perhaps I could never get rid of. This is me. This is me now. I have been crying since I heard that bad news from my doctor. I haven’t stopped crying. I am crying as if my tears will wipe away all my miseries.

When will this end?

How will this end?

Will it end?

Will I still be able to conceive?

Only God knows the answer.

But you know God; I do need to hear your answer.

Had I known this will happen now,... this infertility thing... I should have had sex when I was still in my 20s. Lots and lots of sex. Sex there, here... sex everywhere. Sex with various men. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so bad and terrible thinking I deserve this to happen. But I didn’t. I have saved sex for true love. Saving sex for my husband, whoever he is. It was only when I met my husband that I had sex. And that made this infertility issue unbearable. Do I deserve to be infertile? Do I deserve this?

I can’t help but ask God, WHY?

But then again…

Who am I to question His plans for me?

You are omniscient; the all-knowing God. Yet I feel the need to tell you what I’m going through. And still I offer you all my fears, and anxieties, Lord. Even my angry thoughts and frustrations, I made known to You. I wanted to run and ask you the reasons for my infertility. To cry on your shoulder and tell you how sad I feel now. Will I be able to conceive and give birth to our children? Do you know how long we waited for our children to come? Did you know I cried yesterday upon learning my Estradiol level dropped? Have you seen the look on my husband’s face when he saw the result? Did you hear him saying:” I felt I lost from casino.”? Our money comes and goes like water. We already spent a fortune.” Can you hear our heart's desire to have children of our own?

But in the end, You are still God. And we cling to you during this ordeal.

My estradiol level dropped. it's terrible!!!!!

I didn’t blog yesterday because I felt terrible. I felt so awful I didn’t feel blogging my thoughts and feelings. But this morning soon as I woke up I felt the need to blog. I need the world to know what happened to me on my treatment. I owe to women who, just like me, are struggling infertility.

August 6

My doc lowered the Puregon dosage I’m injecting for 5 days. From 75IU of Puregon she lowered it to just 50 IU. This was done to avoid over stimulation and other risks entailed. So we woke up early and went to the hospital for my lab test. I was so excited yesterday to have my Estradiol taken. I was expecting a higher level result. On the contrary, the result was heart-breaking. From 104pg/ml (August 01), yesterday it dived to just 73pg/ml. I felt awful. It was as if my world turned pitched black. All throughout our drive to my OB’s clinic, we were both silent. I didn’t know what to tell my husband. I couldn’t explain why my body didn’t yield higher Estradiol result. I was thinking 5 days of injecting daily 50IU of Puregon not to mention the money incurred in acquiring the medicine, were wasted. I felt like I’m a laboratory rat. Everything done to my body was series of tests to know which medicine and dosage will make my body respond positively.

When we got to the clinic and handed the result to my doc, my heart sank deeper when she confirmed my fear. Why do I need to hear it from the doc? The result was clear. My body wasn’t responding to just 50IU of Puregon for 5 days. She told me she only prescribed 75IU of Puregon to her fat clients. She then told me I’m neither fat nor thin yet I didn’t respond to 50 IU of Puregon. Thus, the need to resort to 75 IU of Puregon.

I would have told her, “You shouldn’t have lowered the dosage. Now see what happened. Our money was wasted, so was 5 days of stabbing my belly.” I wanted to tell her that word for word. But I didn’t. I chickened out. Besides, I also know for a fact that there was no way of knowing how my body will respond given continuous high dosage of Puregon.

The good thing with Estradiol is we can monitor developments whether I’m responding to Puregon or perhaps I’m already over stimulated. Still it doesn’t change the fact how I feel after the drop of my Estradiol level. I’m afraid we’re spending so much money and failing after. I was crying yesterday and telling my hubby about my anxiety over this Puregon and failing issues. What’s in store for us? What will be the outcome of this fertility treatment? What’s gonna happen next? I’ve given up my career for this treatment. I’ve given up my passion for fashion. I left my parents and our home and moved in with my husband. And I’m scared after giving up almost everything nothing might happen. Nothing good might happen.

I just want to bear children Lord. Why is it taking so much time and money? What have I done to deserve this?

I do agree that infertility sucks. Makes me ask: “Why me?” And if you haven’t experienced it, you will never understand it. Do you how I feel every time an acquaintance ask my husband how many siblings we have? Do you know how I feel every time I see kids playing with their mom and dad? Do you know how inadequate I feel during family gatherings when my in-laws have hands full of kids and I have none? I feel awful and very sad whenever I see my husband’s envious face every time he looks at toddler. It tears me to my guts. Do you know what I think and feel every time I see or hear from the news of abandoned kids? Of kids being aborted? Of malnourished and uneducated kids because their parents could not afford to buy them food or send them to school?

Of all people, why me? Why can’t we have our own kids?

To make matters worse, I was already in my 30 when I got married. My husband and I accidentally learned of my condition when we went to an OBGyne. That was the time I learned I am technically infertile. I belonged to that category since I have an irregular menstruation. Ovulating, in my case, is unpredictable. Timing is a contributory aspect since we only meet every 3-5 months. His work place is somewhere in the northern part of my country while I am with my parents somewhere in the south. Separation with my husband due to our work location makes Fertility treatment and timing impossible.

We are earning enough to support a family. I was earning well before I learned of this awful condition. I had my job and own shop which I left just to be with my husband. I moved here near the air base with him.

This is my life now.

Far different from the one I loved and used to. Way back home, I work tirelessly meeting the demands of my clients. I made gowns for them. I love going places, meeting clients and going to the venue of their wedding and reception. I had my staff with me. I was in my own shop surrounded by mannequins, gowns, magazines, fabrics n scraps, machines… I could go on and on. When I start my day, I hardly notice time pass by. It’s like the clock has been chasing me and the next I know it’s dark already. I was a busy person. Always on the go.

Since I moved in with my hubby here, I find it so difficult to adjust. I find myself in this 4-corned walls of our room big enough for 2 person. We live in a barracks. I had none of my daily client-business-shop mood and routine. I haven’t heard a sewing machine’s noise for quite some time now. I haven’t done any gowns nor made design. Suddenly I find myself in the midst of this deafening silence that echoes in these four walls of our room. I feel so weird when suddenly I stopped earning my own dough, and stopped doing my job which is my passion. I feel so unproductive.

This is my life now. And this infertility and fertility treatment thoughts are becoming an everyday routine. It becomes part of my life now.

Blogging gives me a relief. Somehow it unleashes many of my emotions and feelings unspoken and unheard of. I draw strength from the many women struggling to keep their sanity in face of infertility.

We have already spent so much on this fertility treatment. I hope this Puregon injectable will succeed. I pray to God to hear the pleading of our hearts. May He be merciful to me and my husband. We really love to have our very own children.