of PCOs, Journey to Fertility and Miracle...

My hubby and I went to my OB’s clinic this afternoon. My doc had to check my eggs through the ultrasound machine. The result was devastating. My eggs weren’t responding to the 75 IU of Puregon. My doctor presented us two options. First, we’ll continue the Puregon injection but in a higher dosage that is, 105IU per day. If we’ll continue the injection, I’ll be taking in 105 IU of Puregon for 7 days. Buying that solution will tantamount to about P/ 25,000 – 30,000 . That amount of money is just too much for us. I told myself this “baby making treatment is costing us fortune”. Second, to stop the injection and try again next month but we’ll be starting with 105 IU of Puregon.

I wanted to tell my hubby that I still have few savings left. I wanted to give it a try for few more days. Who knows what happens next? However, that is not wise. I do feel I need to rest my body from all the injections I have had. Just this afternoon I received my last shot of Puregon before I had my ultrasound. Yah, I do feel the need to rest for a while and not to think about this treatment. Is there a medicine that will make me forget about all this fuzz on fertility treatment and what I’m going through? Can I be somebody else? Can I swap body with another woman? But who wants an infertile body? … Nobody.

Is it too much to beg God for a child? I've been begging Him for our child. Is it too much when in fact there are women aborting their child? Not to mention those who just left them on the streets, in the garbage or in a bag.

Why was this disease given to me? What have I done to deserve this? What did I do to cause this? Is there anything more to do that I haven’t done or thought of before? Is there any other procedure or fertility treatment that don’t cost so much?

Why me?

Is it really happening to me? I thought treating PCO is just simple sickness that could just be driven away by few antibiotics?

Why me?

While I was sitting on the passenger’s seat while my hubby is driving us home, I wanted to scream. I wanted to ask “Why”? “Why me?” But to whom should I address my question? Who will answer all my queries? I need to hear the answers.

I have so many questions. No one will answer.

I have worked like a horse for so many years. I have been a good girl. I have given up my career. I have given up big part of me just so I could devout sufficient time for this treatment. And this is what I got.

Is this my reward?

There are many things in my mind. Suddenly, I wanted to do many things if only to forget my situation. I wanted to run as far away as I could. Yes, to run and never stop. I want to escape from this infertility as if I could outrun it. I wanted to climb mountains and never come back. I wanted to escape. But to whom am I escaping? I can never escape from this situation. It will always be with me wherever I go. This has become part of me perhaps I could never get rid of. This is me. This is me now. I have been crying since I heard that bad news from my doctor. I haven’t stopped crying. I am crying as if my tears will wipe away all my miseries.

When will this end?

How will this end?

Will it end?

Will I still be able to conceive?

Only God knows the answer.

But you know God; I do need to hear your answer.