of PCOs, Journey to Fertility and Miracle...

Had I known this will happen now,... this infertility thing... I should have had sex when I was still in my 20s. Lots and lots of sex. Sex there, here... sex everywhere. Sex with various men. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so bad and terrible thinking I deserve this to happen. But I didn’t. I have saved sex for true love. Saving sex for my husband, whoever he is. It was only when I met my husband that I had sex. And that made this infertility issue unbearable. Do I deserve to be infertile? Do I deserve this?

I can’t help but ask God, WHY?

But then again…

Who am I to question His plans for me?

You are omniscient; the all-knowing God. Yet I feel the need to tell you what I’m going through. And still I offer you all my fears, and anxieties, Lord. Even my angry thoughts and frustrations, I made known to You. I wanted to run and ask you the reasons for my infertility. To cry on your shoulder and tell you how sad I feel now. Will I be able to conceive and give birth to our children? Do you know how long we waited for our children to come? Did you know I cried yesterday upon learning my Estradiol level dropped? Have you seen the look on my husband’s face when he saw the result? Did you hear him saying:” I felt I lost from casino.”? Our money comes and goes like water. We already spent a fortune.” Can you hear our heart's desire to have children of our own?

But in the end, You are still God. And we cling to you during this ordeal.

My estradiol level dropped. it's terrible!!!!!

I didn’t blog yesterday because I felt terrible. I felt so awful I didn’t feel blogging my thoughts and feelings. But this morning soon as I woke up I felt the need to blog. I need the world to know what happened to me on my treatment. I owe to women who, just like me, are struggling infertility.

August 6

My doc lowered the Puregon dosage I’m injecting for 5 days. From 75IU of Puregon she lowered it to just 50 IU. This was done to avoid over stimulation and other risks entailed. So we woke up early and went to the hospital for my lab test. I was so excited yesterday to have my Estradiol taken. I was expecting a higher level result. On the contrary, the result was heart-breaking. From 104pg/ml (August 01), yesterday it dived to just 73pg/ml. I felt awful. It was as if my world turned pitched black. All throughout our drive to my OB’s clinic, we were both silent. I didn’t know what to tell my husband. I couldn’t explain why my body didn’t yield higher Estradiol result. I was thinking 5 days of injecting daily 50IU of Puregon not to mention the money incurred in acquiring the medicine, were wasted. I felt like I’m a laboratory rat. Everything done to my body was series of tests to know which medicine and dosage will make my body respond positively.

When we got to the clinic and handed the result to my doc, my heart sank deeper when she confirmed my fear. Why do I need to hear it from the doc? The result was clear. My body wasn’t responding to just 50IU of Puregon for 5 days. She told me she only prescribed 75IU of Puregon to her fat clients. She then told me I’m neither fat nor thin yet I didn’t respond to 50 IU of Puregon. Thus, the need to resort to 75 IU of Puregon.

I would have told her, “You shouldn’t have lowered the dosage. Now see what happened. Our money was wasted, so was 5 days of stabbing my belly.” I wanted to tell her that word for word. But I didn’t. I chickened out. Besides, I also know for a fact that there was no way of knowing how my body will respond given continuous high dosage of Puregon.

The good thing with Estradiol is we can monitor developments whether I’m responding to Puregon or perhaps I’m already over stimulated. Still it doesn’t change the fact how I feel after the drop of my Estradiol level. I’m afraid we’re spending so much money and failing after. I was crying yesterday and telling my hubby about my anxiety over this Puregon and failing issues. What’s in store for us? What will be the outcome of this fertility treatment? What’s gonna happen next? I’ve given up my career for this treatment. I’ve given up my passion for fashion. I left my parents and our home and moved in with my husband. And I’m scared after giving up almost everything nothing might happen. Nothing good might happen.

I just want to bear children Lord. Why is it taking so much time and money? What have I done to deserve this?

I wanted to note my daily injections of Puregon. I will be updating it from time to time. The tests were arranged chronologically, that is according to the time there were taken or done.

Jul 28

My 1^st time to undergo Estradiol Test. Result 54pg/ml ---------------Paid P/ 1,200

My 1^st time to undergo FSH Test. Result 54pg/m ----------------Paid P/ 750

Ultrasound to check the size of my egg

My 1^st day of Puregon shot.

Doc prescribed 75 IU/day of Puregon for 4 days. July 28-31

Bought 1 vial 300 IU of Puregon ------------------Paid P/ 12,000

Total spending for this day's medicine and tests ------------------Paid P/ 17,850

Aug 1

Estradiol Test. Result 103.29 pg/ml --------------------Paid P/ 1,200

Ultrasound to check the size of my egg. No Estradiol test done.

Doc prescribed50 IU/day of Puregon for Aug 1-3

Bought 3 vials of Puregon with 50IU each vial -----------------------Paid P/ 7,500

Doc's fee and TVS -----------------------Paid P/ 600

Bought medicine for my UTI ----------------------Paid P 1,000

Total spending for this day's medicine and tests ---------------------Paid P/10 ,300

Aug 4

Ultrasound to check the size of my egg. No Estradiol test done.

Doc prescribed 50IU/day of Puregon for 2 more days (Aug 4-6)

Bought 2 vials of Puregon with 50IU each vial ---------------------Paid P/ 5,000

Doc's fee and TVS ----------------------Paid P/ 600

Total spending for this day's medicine and tests ---------------------Paid P/5 ,600

Aug 6

Estradiol Test result 73pg/ml ---------------------Paid P/ 1,200

Ultrasound to check the size of my egg.

Doc prescribed 75 IU/day of Puregon for 4 days. Aug 6-10

Bought 1 vial 300 IU of Puregon ---------------------Paid P/ 12,000

Doc's fee and TVS ---------------------Paid P/ 600

Total spending for this day's medicine and tests ---------------------Paid P/13 ,800

Aug 10

Ultrasound to check the size of my egg.

Doc prescribed 75 IU/day of Puregon for 4 days. Aug 10 - 13

Bought 1 vial 300 IU of Puregon ---------------------Paid P/ 12,000

Doc's fee and TVS ---------------------Paid P/ 600

Urinalysis (Urine Test)

Aug 14 - Day 18 since the 1st day of injecting Puregon

had my last shot of Puregon before my appointment w/ my OB

Ultrasound to check the size of my egg.

Result: size of eggs are not significant enough to mature

doc's verdict to abandon the treatment and rest for a while and continue if we already have the money