Thursday, August 6, 2009
Had I known this will happen now,... this infertility thing... I should have had sex when I was still in my 20s. Lots and lots of sex. Sex there, here... sex everywhere. Sex with various men. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so bad and terrible thinking I deserve this to happen. But I didn’t. I have saved sex for true love. Saving sex for my husband, whoever he is. It was only when I met my husband that I had sex. And that made this infertility issue unbearable. Do I deserve to be infertile? Do I deserve this?
I can’t help but ask God, WHY?
But then again…
Who am I to question His plans for me?
You are omniscient; the all-knowing God. Yet I feel the need to tell you what I’m going through. And still I offer you all my fears, and anxieties, Lord. Even my angry thoughts and frustrations, I made known to You. I wanted to run and ask you the reasons for my infertility. To cry on your shoulder and tell you how sad I feel now. Will I be able to conceive and give birth to our children? Do you know how long we waited for our children to come? Did you know I cried yesterday upon learning my Estradiol level dropped? Have you seen the look on my husband’s face when he saw the result? Did you hear him saying:” I felt I lost from casino.”? Our money comes and goes like water. We already spent a fortune.” Can you hear our heart's desire to have children of our own?
But in the end, You are still God. And we cling to you during this ordeal.
Labels: i feel...
1 comments:
I admire your strength and faiths, Ate Ems. Mahirap most of the time but keep on believing. Nagtatanong din ako, the same question. Pero sige lang, God has the best plans for us. I love you ats! See you when I see you! Take good care of yourself!
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